Thoughts...

  • Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
  • I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it. So I said 'Implants?' She hit me.
  • How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America?
  • Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
  • I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
  • Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
  • Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?
  • Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
  • Wouldn't you know it.... Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.
  • Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside?
  • Bumper sticker of the year: 'If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it's in English, thank a soldier'
  • And remember: life is like a roll of toilet paper: The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.